Nobody Wants To Read Your Sh*t Again

The Winner!

Ten Shun!

So going on the votes from people on the comment thread, Hannah’s ‘Mispers’ is the chosen submission for me to comment on and edit. Congrats Hannah! And thank you all for your submissions, which I thoroughly enjoyed reading. I hope the comments from other residents of Boot Camp were useful or encouraging, or both.

This being the Boot Camp and not the Gwyneth Paltrow Hour, my comments are robust and to the point, negative as well as positive. I will be very interested to hear if you agree or disagree with them.

I should add in my view one other story also merited further examination - Matt Anderson’s ‘Davy Jones’ Furnace’

To read that story go here:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/e/2PACX-1vRClrey3ewyL8znvc1FtIwxMrldNXW2_8fLFFlCyYFfmty1RGHw64_M8QFwnUoVa6CB1kOzd1XHZsMy/pub

I will give my critique in another post.

But in the meantime, here’s ‘Mispers’.

My remarks are in CAPS.

To read the original story, go to this link

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-1RxPmGsmv6IWFhVx_iSNWwl3KLsFZlNm4oiMgGLR7A/edit?usp=sharing

Mispers GREAT TITLE. MYSTERIOUS AND INVITING.

Donna Dearden’s text message should have come with a health warning. Like the ones on the electricity substations we were all left irrationally and permanently terrified of after watching the public information film at primary school.

Danger of death.

GOOD OPENING.  OUR CURIOSITY IS IMMEDIATELY AROUSED

But she didn’t know what she was getting me into any more than I did. It was an innocuous enough request; help to raise awareness about her missing brother. WHY DID IT COME WITH SUCH URGENCY IN THE SMALL HOURS?

 I understood her desperation more than most. And she knew about my dad, HOW DOES SHE KNOW ABOUT YOUR DAD?  which is one of the reasons she came to me. PERHAPS A LITTLE TOO MUCH OBLIQUE EXPOSITION HERE.  I DON’T KNOW WHO ‘I’ AM YET , LET ALONE ‘DAD’ OR WHY IT WOULD LEAD DONNA DEARDEN TO COME TO ‘ME’.  

She came a little earlier than usual ‘A LITTLE EARLIER THAN WAS CUSTOMARY’  IS BETTER. BECAUSE DOES SHE ‘USUALLY’ TEXT THE NARRATOR ABOUT HER  MISSING BROTHER?  granted; a text message before 5 am, but I wasn’t lying when I reassured her I was already awake. AS IT TURNS OUT THE ONLY NARRATIVE REASON FOR YOU BEING AWAKE IN THE FIRST PLACE IS TO TELL US ABOUT YOUR NIGHTMARE AND GET IN SOME EXPOSITION ABOUT THE NARRATOR AND HER PARTNER. BUT IT’S BETTER IF YOU STICK WITH THE STORY.  ‘A TEXT CAME. I REACTED TO IT. AND THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED NEXT.’

It started,  WHAT STARTED? DO YOU MEAN THAT THE TEXT MESSAGE WOKE YOU? as these things do, AS WHAT THINGS DO?  being woken from one nightmare, ready to fall into another. Michael’s even voice,  NOW I’VE BEEN TOLD ABOUT MICHAEL, DAD AND ‘I’ AND DONNA BUT I DON’T KNOW ANY MORE DETAILS SO I’M FEELING A BIT TEASED followed by a sharp elbow in the side of my leg, yanked me from mine. FROM  MY NIGHTMARE

I’d pulled a good one this time; managed to do a 180 in bed and get myself lost under the duvet from the waist up.

‘Emma, you’re dreaming. Stop fucking about.’

            His pulse would have been up there with mine in the early days.  I jumped, he jumped, ready to confront the axe-wielding intruder at the door, push back the madman from the window. Fifteen years on, apart from occasional mutterings about how irritating I was after-hours, he was largely immune to what he called my bedroom bullshit and the fallout from my night terrors barely registered on his sleep Richter scale.

 He would now almost certainly sleep blissfully through an actual burglary. And he knew better than to ever mention again, even in jest, his ‘super thoughtful’ 30th birthday gift to me of 10 hypnosis sessions to deal with it. I THINK YOU\RE TRYING TO PACK TOO MUCH INFORMATION IN. JUST WRITE THE SCENE.

            The nightmare was a twist on a classic; I’d added some new material in the last few months. Instead of just dad, with a fuzzy-edged black hole where his face should be, purposely tipping backwards to his death in the  ‘A’ QUARRY WE DON’T KNOW WHAT OR WHERE THIS QUARRY IS quarry with a screech as he fell MAKING A SOUND  like grinding metal.

I was pushed in after him; an unseen hand gripping the back of my collar and another shoving my body forwards so I fell out of my clothes.  WHY WOULD THAT MAKE YOU FALL OUT OF YOUR CLOTHES?  AND WHY ARE YOU TELLING US THIS?

The dream vapourised instantly when  ONCE I extricated myself from Michael’s silk sheets and I knew I was irreversibly awake, despite the darkness.

            Michael moved again behind me, turned over with an exaggerated sigh and tugged on the duvet. He liked to trap the edge hard between his knees to keep himself covered. One of his dick moves. 

            ‘Love you, too,’ I said quietly.  NICE DIALOGUE.

I didn’t yank back, but patted my hand around for the bedside table and on it my phone, flashing with the alert.

beside 

ourselves with worry for my brother who has been missing since Friday.  IS THIS A REALISTIC TEXT MESSAGE TO SEND AT 5AM? MIGHTN’T IT START ‘ YOU DON’T KNOW ME AND SORRY TO BE TEXTING SO EARLY BUT..’  AND TO TALK IN THE TEXT OF ‘MY BROTHER’ IS TO SUGGEST THAT EMMA WASN’T ON INTIMATE TERMS WITH THE CALLER. SO WHAT IS THE CALLER DOING CALLIING HER AT 5AM?

I rubbed at my gluey eyes with my knuckles and kicked away the little of the duvet still in my possession, folding it double over Michael. That was my retaliatory move, though he seemed to be immune to the heat anyway. You’d have to be to buy an apartment with such aggressive underfloor heating and no opening windows.

Bought without even telling me, his fiancée, that is. GOOD THAT YOU ARE BUILDING THE CHARACTERS OF MICHAEL AND EMMA HERE.

I tentatively crossed the bedroom by the dim light of the phone screen; not worried about waking him, but still unfamiliar with the scale and layout of the room and wary for my shins. WHY WAS EMMA UNFAMILIAR WITH THE SCALE AND THE LAYOUT OF THE ROOM? WAS THE PROPERTY BOUGHT RECENTLY? THEN SAY SO.

As soon as I was in the hallway, I read it THE TEXT properly.

Hoping this is Emma Atherton at the Milton Mercury.  Sorry to message out of the blue, my family are beside ourselves with worry for my brother who has been missing since Friday. HOW MANY DAYS IS THAT? 1? 6?  WHY WOULD DONNA SUDDENLY CALL AT 5AM IF SHE COULD HAVE CALLED AT ANY TIME PREVIOUSLY? Please can you call as soon as you are able? We really need your help. Donna Dearden.

By the time misper, or missing person, cases reached me at work, usually through a police press release or my contact Mirek flagging it, the response team  POLICE RESPONSE TEAM? would have a few days of enquiries under their belts. Less when it was kids, unless they were habitual runaways, or adults immediately pegged as high-risk. My closely-guarded reaction to them all was largely the same, even 20 years on from dad’s disappearing act; that guttural feeling of dread I had the first morning I woke up to discover he still wasn’t back.   

            I padded into the main living space, hoping the huge open plan lounge, dining area and kitchen would be cooler; the words of the text circling DO WORDS ON A TEXT ‘CIRCLE’? . I could have knocked down the thermostat a hundred degrees and turned on a light or two, but that would have required me to reverse years of well-honed, albeit self-harming, stubbornness, and let Michael explain the unfathomable smart controls that commanded every function in his ridiculous apartment. THIS IS GOOD EXPOSITION, I LIKE THE ‘SELF HARMING STUBBORNESS’.

Sweating, even stood just as I was in my underwear, and in darkness, I pressed my forehead against the chill of the floor-to-ceiling glass wall that spanned the width of the room for as long as I could stand it. In daylight I could peer south beyond the metal and concrete vista of the city centre WHICH CITY?  to the Cheshire Plains. At night I found the wall of black, illuminated below though it was, oppressive.

Bill, my editor’s voice, was in my head. Something about maintaining boundaries. I didn’t often follow his advice; real or imagined at five in the morning. DID HE OFTEN OFFER ADVICE AT FIVE IN THE MORNING?

Missing since Friday, so three days. I DON’T THINK WE SHOULD HAVE TO WAIT SO LONG FOR THIS INFORMATION. AND IT STILL DOESN’T EXPLAIN THE QUESTION, = WHY A TEXT AT 5AM?  

I could look up Donna Dearden first; see if she’d put anything online and get a link to the brother.  SO SHE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW DONNA DEARDON?  SO HOW DID SHE GET HER PRIVATE NUMBER? Or I could just call her and find out what was going on. I poured a glass of cold water, let it overrun onto my hand, and watched the digits on my phone.

4:57 am.  

I couldn’t ring her on an odd number, I wasn’t crazy. WHY IS IT AN ODD NUMBER? WHY WOULD IT BE CRAZY? IS EMMA COMPULSIVE OBSESSIVE?  I waited until five on the dot and then Donna picked up after just one ring. We also had insomnia in common, then.  NOT NECESSARILY.  SHE MIGHT JUST BE WORRIED ABOUT HER BROTHER. I asked her how I could help.

MIGHT BE GOOD TO HEAR A LITTLE ABOUT HOW HER VOICE SOUNDS. ‘It’s my brother, Julian. It’s like he just vanished into thin air.’ THREE DAYS AGO APPARENTLY. AND IS THAT ALL THAT WAS SAID? HERE IS AN OPPORTUNITY FOR SOME DIALOGUE TO BREAK UP THE SCENE FROM PURE FIRST PERSON NARRATIVE. AND GET SOME INFORMATION IN.  YOU HAD GONE PAST THE 1000 WORD COUNT I THINK, SO MAYBE THAT’S WHY YOU STOPPED, BUT OTHER MATERIAL SHOULD HAVE BEEN CUT SO WE COULD GET SOME OF THE CONVO.

SO MY CONCLUSION IS THAT ALTHOUGH THE PREMISE IS ENTICING THERE IS:

A) TOO MUCH EXPOSITION TOO QUICKLY – JUST PAINT THE SCENE.  AND AT THE SAME TIME THERE IS NOT ENOUGH EXPOSITION. WHAT CITY ARE THEY IN? WHAT IS THE MISSING BROTHER'S NAME?  WHAT IS EMMA’S JOB?  A MISSING PERSONS REPORTER ON A LOCAL NEWSPAPER?  SUCH A JOB DOESN’T EXIST. CERTAINLY NOT IN A SMALL NEWSPAPER.

B) TOO MUCH ‘TEASING’  I STILL DON’T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO HER FATHER. WHY NOT JUST SAY?

C) NOT ENOUGH CAREFUL LOGIC APPLIED  . - WHY WOULD DONNA CALL HER AT 5AM THREE DAYS AFTER THE BROTHER HAD DISAPPEARED? AND WHY HAVENT YOU TOLD US THE BROTHER’S NAME?

BASICALLY, YOU ARE IN TOO MUCH OF A HURRY TO SPIT TOO MUCH INFORMATION OUT AT ONCE – A COMMON MISTAKE.  SLOW DOWN.

WHY HAVE YOU CHOSEN TO HAVE THE TEXT COME AT 5 AM ANYWAY?  JUST TO ADD DRAMA?  I THINK GETTING A TEXT ABOUT A MISSING PERSON IS DRAMA ENOUGH.  SAME GOES FOR THE NIGHTMARE.  YOU JUST NEED TO TELL US ABOUT THE ARRIVAL OF THE TEXT AND THE CONVERSATION WITH DONNA AND WHAT HAPPENS THEN.  ALL THE EXPOSITION CAN BE GRADUALLY STRIPPED IN.

At Ease!